


you're bi-curious i'm bi-obnoxious. we are not the same

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Other, i was tempted to tag relationships but nothing actually happens? it's all one sided comedy shit so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25302523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Jan's taste in people is very open. He makes this everyone's problem.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	you're bi-curious i'm bi-obnoxious. we are not the same

Every so often, Doc would have to give his creations examinations and check ups. It was necessary to make sure they were functioning properly, and to be sure that he hadn't made any mistakes while making them. Of course, this was mostly just a formality, he hardly ever made mistakes. Still, he made sure that all the artificial vampires in Millennium got checked about once a month.  
  
Right now, he was wrapping up with Jan. As he was looking his notes over, he couldn't help but think that this had gone surprisingly well. Almost suspiciously so.  
  
Every other time he'd needed Jan in his lab for anything, the newborn vampire _always_ made things difficult. Whether it was excessive complaining, restlessness, or outright refusal to cooperate, appointments with him would drag out so much longer than they needed to. Everyone else would be in and out with little trouble, while Jan would make sure to waste hours of his time.  
  
That wasn't the case this time, though. Throughout this one, Jan had been mostly quiet and well behaved. Of course, he'd made a few annoying comments here and there, but it was much less than average, and he hadn't done anything to actually slow things down. Doc almost wanted to question it, ask Jan if something was wrong with him or troubling him or something, but he wasn't about to do anything that could risk breaking Jan out of whatever trance he was in. He was just going to enjoy this while it lasted.  
  
"As expected, there haven't been any major changes since your last visit. Your body is adjusting to this quite well." He started giving off the usual report, ready to wrap things up and send Jan off. "I could give you some enhancements if you like, I can see how being the only vampire here without additional powers could be a bit frustrating." He wanted to pretend he was offering this out of the kindness of his heart, and not because he had some things he really wanted to test out. "We would have to schedule another appointment to decide what to do with you though, and you would have to go into surgery to actually get the procedure done, but if you were serious about it I'm sure we could work something out." He paused in his rambling when he realized he was getting nothing in response.  
  
Normally at this point, Jan would've interrupted him and tried to rush being sent away, he never let Doc say this much. Right now though, he was just kind of... sitting there, staring.   
  
"Jan, are you even listening?" Doc snapped his fingers in his patient's face when he took too long to reply.  
  
Jan waved his hand away, looking vaguely annoyed. "Yeah, yeah. I hear you." He glanced up at Doc's face for a moment before casting his eyes downward again. "Same old shit, I know."  
  
"Well, this information is important. I'm offering to help you."  
  
The only response Jan bothered to give was a small 'mhm'. His capacity for listening had been reached, it seemed.  
  
Doc let out a sigh. He really wondered why he bothered sometimes. Nobody here appreciated his work, especially not this sorry excuse for a vampire. He was so fully engrossed in his thoughts, thinking of complaints and ways he could scold Jan for his behavior, that he didn't notice anything was amiss until it was too late.  
  
He let out a shriek of surprise as one of his suspenders snapped against his stomach.   
  
Jan started cackling like a madman, reaching to do it again. When Doc used his own hands to block the suspenders, Jan settled for just poking his exposed belly.  
  
After spending a few seconds batting Jan's hands away, Doc backed up so that he was out of reach. "What.. Why would you-" He sputtered for a bit, face red from both embarrassment and anger. "What is _wrong_ with you?"  
  
Before saying anything, Jan just giggled like a child. He thought this was the most amusing thing in the world. He looked almost like he was tempted to lunge forward to try again. "I'm sorry-" He said through his laughter. He was clearly not. "Sorry, I just.. I couldn't help myself."  
  
"Couldn't help yourself." Doc repeated in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, have you seen the shit you're wearing?" He said, as if that was an excuse. "Can't blame a guy for wanting to get a little feel, you're basically askin' for it."  
  
Doc really couldn't think of anything to say to that. What was there to say to that? He just stood there for a few moments, stunned, crossing his arms over his stomach so that Jan couldn't keep staring. After a few moments, he turned away. "You may go, we're done here."  
  
\----------  
  
It was a slow day. And a slow day meant that Luke had to be Jan's personal babysitter. It was a lot like when they were younger actually, except now he actually had other things he could be doing. Being part of Millennium gave him plenty to focus on. He could be practicing his knife skills, or experiment with his vampiric abilities, or if he was feeling adventurous he could socialize with some of the other people who worked here. They all seemed like fairly respectable people, if a bit eccentric. He was sure there was at least one he could get along with.  
  
But, no. Instead he had to deal with his younger brother. Jan continuously complained about how bored he was, and how there was nothing to do. Luke pointed out the number of things there was to do around here, but Jan would just say all of that was boring too. He depended on Luke for entertainment.  
  
Luke loved his brother, he really did, but Jan really was someone who you had to deal with in small doses. He could only listen to Jan's ridiculous theatrics and keep him from doing stupid things for so long. Really, he would think someone in their twenties could stand to act a little more mature, if he didn't know any better he'd think his brother was a hyperactive preteen instead of a fully grown adult.  
  
That, and sometimes Luke wanted time to himself. It would be nice to have a day off that he could just spend relaxing and focusing on self care or his hobbies or... whatever people did when they were alone. It had been so long since he'd had any real peace he was beginning to forget.  
  
He was a bit fed up, to put it lightly. His patience was wearing thin. He'd decided, at some point, to just start ignoring Jan. To the best of his ability, at least. He'd give short one or two word responses every so often, but aside from that he was just pretending Jan wasn't there. As far as he was concerned he was just by himself, catching up on some reading. For the next few hours, he wouldn't even remember he had a brother, this time was going to be used for him to calm down and de-stress.  
  
At least, that was the plan. It was a lot easier in theory than it was in practice.  
  
It had been almost half an hour, and Jan was absolutely relentless. He would not shut up, he was determined to do whatever it took to get a proper response. Luke could feel a terrible headache starting to build.   
  
"Hey. Hey, bro." Jan had resorted to outright whining and begging for attention. "Hey, Luke! Come on!" He tapped his brother's shoulder, shook him, clearly getting upset at the lack of response he was getting.  
  
Luke looked at his mostly finished cigarette. Some part of his mind was telling him to flick the hot ashes at Jan. Of course, immediately after that thought crossed his mind, he felt horrible. That was uncalled for. He started to consider that perhaps, maybe, he was being an asshole right now. He sighed, put the cigarette out, and turned to his brother. "Yes? What is it?"  
  
Jan looked surprised for a moment, like he didn't actually expect Luke to talk to him. He recovered right way, though. "Damn, finally." He seemed significantly less mad than Luke would've expected him to be. "I actually got a serious question to ask, you know."  
  
And, now Luke felt even worse. No wonder Jan had been so persistent. "Alright, I'm listening."  
  
Jan gave an excited smile that would've made anyone else think twice. "Okay, so." He leaned in closer, lowering his voice into a whisper that was much more dramatic than it was quiet. "You know Zorin, right?"  
  
"Of course, I've seen her around." Luke was tempted to match Jan's volume and tone, but decided against it. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"You think she's a lesbian, or what?"  
  
"What." Luke was caught so off guard by the question, he couldn't give anything but a deadpan response.  
  
"You know, like... you think I'd have a chance with her?"   
  
Luke took a few seconds to process what he was being asked. This was the serious matter Jan wanted to discuss with him? This was really it? He sighed, gathering his thoughts together enough to form an answer. "I think she'd pound you into the dirt if you tried anything."  
  
Jan mulled over this answer for a bit, before practically starting to jitter with excitement. "For real? You really think so?"  
  
It took Luke a moment to realize what about that answer made Jan so happy. When it hit him, he let out another sigh, feeling his headache start to worsen. "In the violent way, Jan. She would probably kill you."  
  
"Oh.." Jan, at least, had the decency to be disappointed at that.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop writing Jan he's such a funny little man  
> Personally I think everyone in Millennium who isn't Luke or Schrodinger has been hit on by Jan at least once. They all hate him so much <3


End file.
